and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
