When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
it's great music for shaving your balls
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If I die, sorry about rent.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
