remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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