you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
