Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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