I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
