I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
