She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
