I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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