my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
