A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Randomize