just tell him i said nine months
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
