a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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