I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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