She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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