This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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