Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
