Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
