Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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