Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
