Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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