My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
