chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She bit a glass in half.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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