The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
