Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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