Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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