Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize