i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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