Duck Duck Cougar?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
