I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
