I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
