youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
