How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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