i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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