Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize