so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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