I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
