Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
