It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
