so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
