I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
