sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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