Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
