if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
