You just made me feel so damn special
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
