Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize