just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
