I hate all girls vehemently.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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