Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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