for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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