I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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