I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
