My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize