Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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