I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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