then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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