i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
