Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
