It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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