About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
we're so committed to being not committed
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
